Open letter to my neighborhood (written while waiting for the camera to charge)

Hi neighbor! Yes, you, the one with the lawnmower seemingly surgically attached to your hands. Well, I know that we haven't formally met yet, but I just wanted to tell you something. Your lawn? It's SPECTACULAR. I mean, really, really immaculate. It's so amazing that you can totally put the lawn equipment down now and give yourself a well-deserved break. Your grass could not get any more perfect, I swear to you. I know it's been raining an awful lot lately, and boy -- isn't it pesky how water makes things grow so quick? I know, but here's the thing. Every time that it stops raining and I want to go sit on the deck and listen to the birdsong that enticed me to move out here in the first place, there you are -- chopping madly at that brand new hundredth of a centimeter as though if you stop there will be a grass uprising. You know what? Your dedication is truly admirable, it really is, but I have to let you in on a little secret. Do you know how many times I've cut my grass this year? Once. Yep. And no one has gotten lost in the wilderness of my yard or been taken over by giant lawn bugs. I mean, most of you probably aren't that impressed by the state of affairs behind my house, but I don't mind. I've got other things to think about, but the problem is that it's kind of hard to hear my thoughts over your YardMaster5000. I have some ideas, if you're interested. What if you dug up that grass and planted other things...like food? Wouldn't that be a hoot? All you'd have do do is weed, pick and eat. Do you know what the best part of all that would be, besides the sheer enjoyment and the green factor? It's all done relatively quietly. Just saying.